An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.
A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Friday, February 9, 2007
You're Sick
A man returns from an overseas trip feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo a barrage of tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. The phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've received the results from your tests. W've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is very contagious!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well... no, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. The phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've received the results from your tests. W've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is very contagious!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well... no, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."
Oh Dear !!
Oh Dear !!
I prefer to describe myself as a "ContemporaryAnthropological Interactive Observer" because it has justthe right amount of flair.
Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.
I prefer to describe myself as a "ContemporaryAnthropological Interactive Observer" because it has justthe right amount of flair.
Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.
a Dumb Lawyer
Note: A Newfie is a person from Newfoundland, and is used in a similar way to the Irish & Blonds.
A lawyer and a Newfie are sitting next to each other on a longflight. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the Newf's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet,agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Newf doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out afive-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Newfie's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up ahill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Newfie and hands him $500. The Newf pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Newfie up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The Newf reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
A lawyer and a Newfie are sitting next to each other on a longflight. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the Newf's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet,agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Newf doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out afive-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Newfie's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up ahill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Newfie and hands him $500. The Newf pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Newfie up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The Newf reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Professional Doctors
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
* * * * *
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
* * * * *
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
* * * * *
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
* * * * *
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
* * * * *
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
* * * * *
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
* * * * *
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
* * * * *
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
Professional Doctors
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
* * * * *
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
* * * * *
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
* * * * *
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
* * * * *
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
* * * * *
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
* * * * *
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
* * * * *
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
* * * * *
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
Famous Ninja Assasinations (in History)
1. The Dinosaurs – Scientists like to think their extinction was brought upon by a giant meteor colliding with the earth and kicking up enough debris to block out the sun and cause an ice age. HOW CONVENIENT. A giant meteor just happened to hit the earth. If you were to find every dinosaur bone on the planet and examine them closely, you would find they all had one thing in common. A perfect slice to the neck made by a small blade. There’s no convenience about it. It was hard work.
2. Pompeii – Historians want you to believe a volcano took out the island of Pompeii. Well what sounds more believable to you? That one stupid volcano melted an island, or that one badass ninja rained fiery arrows down on a city?
3. Julius Caesar – This guy wasn’t stabbed by 50 of his closest friends in 5 minutes. He was stabbed 50 times by one ninja in 2 minutes. Shakespeare wrote the fictional ending because he knew if he told the truth, he would soon be staring down the business end of a shuriken.
4. Leaning Tower of Pizza – Great Architectural wonder, my butt. A ninja was hired to kill this building and kicked it.
5. The Battle of Gettysburg – This was one of the most brutal battles in the Civil War with deaths from the North and the South numbering in the thousands. Well, the reality is that not one shot was fired by either side. Both armies gathered on either side of the battlefield, but there was one lone ninja in the center. Then some idiot yelled, “Hey doofus, get out of the way.” Well, the ninja went ape **** and started chopping until he could chop no more.
6. The Titanic – What makes more sense? A giant unsinkable ship broken in half by a giant piece of snow, or a giant unsinkable ship CUT in half by a lightning fast, razor sharp, sword wielded by a powerful ninja? Yeah, that whole iceberg theory is looking real dumb right now.
7. Bruce Lee – journalists want you to believe that he slipped in the tub after filming “Enter the Dragon.” Bruce Lee was a badass, and the only way to kill him was to hire a badder asser. His death had ninja written all over it. It is rumored the ninja was hired by Chuck Norris.
8. The Soviet Union – Ninjas don’t always kill with swords. Ronald Reagan hired a ninja in the 80s to stop the Cold War, and he did.
9. Unicorns – These single horned horses use to roam the Earth by the millions. Then the ninja council decided that these creatures were too gay looking and ordered them exterminated. It is rumored that the first pair of numchaku was built from two unicorn horns.
10. Adolph Hitler – Historians want you to believe he died of a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head. But what about the 50 shurikens found embedded in his back? Why 50? one for each star on the American Flag. The A-bomb wasn’t the only secret weapon the U.S. unleashed in WW2.
2. Pompeii – Historians want you to believe a volcano took out the island of Pompeii. Well what sounds more believable to you? That one stupid volcano melted an island, or that one badass ninja rained fiery arrows down on a city?
3. Julius Caesar – This guy wasn’t stabbed by 50 of his closest friends in 5 minutes. He was stabbed 50 times by one ninja in 2 minutes. Shakespeare wrote the fictional ending because he knew if he told the truth, he would soon be staring down the business end of a shuriken.
4. Leaning Tower of Pizza – Great Architectural wonder, my butt. A ninja was hired to kill this building and kicked it.
5. The Battle of Gettysburg – This was one of the most brutal battles in the Civil War with deaths from the North and the South numbering in the thousands. Well, the reality is that not one shot was fired by either side. Both armies gathered on either side of the battlefield, but there was one lone ninja in the center. Then some idiot yelled, “Hey doofus, get out of the way.” Well, the ninja went ape **** and started chopping until he could chop no more.
6. The Titanic – What makes more sense? A giant unsinkable ship broken in half by a giant piece of snow, or a giant unsinkable ship CUT in half by a lightning fast, razor sharp, sword wielded by a powerful ninja? Yeah, that whole iceberg theory is looking real dumb right now.
7. Bruce Lee – journalists want you to believe that he slipped in the tub after filming “Enter the Dragon.” Bruce Lee was a badass, and the only way to kill him was to hire a badder asser. His death had ninja written all over it. It is rumored the ninja was hired by Chuck Norris.
8. The Soviet Union – Ninjas don’t always kill with swords. Ronald Reagan hired a ninja in the 80s to stop the Cold War, and he did.
9. Unicorns – These single horned horses use to roam the Earth by the millions. Then the ninja council decided that these creatures were too gay looking and ordered them exterminated. It is rumored that the first pair of numchaku was built from two unicorn horns.
10. Adolph Hitler – Historians want you to believe he died of a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head. But what about the 50 shurikens found embedded in his back? Why 50? one for each star on the American Flag. The A-bomb wasn’t the only secret weapon the U.S. unleashed in WW2.
Very Dry
Colonel: "Sir, a letter was just sent to us reporting a severe water shortage at Company Charlie!"
General: "Oh, they're probably just exaggerating."
Colonel: "I don't think so, sir. The stamp was held on with a paper clip!"
General: "Oh, they're probably just exaggerating."
Colonel: "I don't think so, sir. The stamp was held on with a paper clip!"
The New Young Doctor
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could get to know him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with a widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."
"You've probably been doing too much volunteer work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably correct, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and saw the preacher hiding under the bed!"
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with a widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."
"You've probably been doing too much volunteer work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably correct, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and saw the preacher hiding under the bed!"
The Candies
There was a golf course that specialized in senior citizen caddies. After completing a round, the starter asked one golfer, "So, how did the caddie work out?" The man replied, "He was nice enough, but he couldn't see far enough to follow the ball." "I'm sorry," said the starter, "Come back next week and I'll be sure you get a caddie that can see far enough."
The next week the man showed up and the starter introduced him to his 80 year old caddie. "Are you sure he can see?" asked the man. "Absolutely," said the starter. So off they went to the first tee. The man hit his drive and said to the caddie, "Did you see that?" "I sure did," came the reply. They walked together down the fairway and the man said to the caddie, "Well, where did my ball go?" The caddie replied, "I forget!"
The next week the man showed up and the starter introduced him to his 80 year old caddie. "Are you sure he can see?" asked the man. "Absolutely," said the starter. So off they went to the first tee. The man hit his drive and said to the caddie, "Did you see that?" "I sure did," came the reply. They walked together down the fairway and the man said to the caddie, "Well, where did my ball go?" The caddie replied, "I forget!"
Bored Friends
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. A cat walks past.
"How about having sex with the cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted themurderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex withit again," said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it againand then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: "So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replies, "Meow."
"How about having sex with the cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted themurderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex withit again," said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it againand then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: "So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replies, "Meow."
Jump Frog Jump!!!!!
There was this "not too bright" scientist doing a study on how frogsrespond to commands.
He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his logbook, frog jumps 30 feet.
Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.
He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.
Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet.He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.
Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! The Frogdoesn't move an inch.
So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!
He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his logbook, frog jumps 30 feet.
Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.
He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.
Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet.He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.
Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! The Frogdoesn't move an inch.
So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!
The Good Napkins
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months....
It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!" Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?????????"
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months....
It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!" Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?????????"
Kids Classic
Kids are asked to write about the sea..
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
13 on holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was oing very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired ight up her fat * * *. (Jule age 7)
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
13 on holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was oing very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired ight up her fat * * *. (Jule age 7)
Crochet Dolls
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little oldwoman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned herhusband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one daythe little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would notrecover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down theshoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of moneytotaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," shesaid, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was tonever argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quietand crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. only twoprecious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of livingand loving.
He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of thismoney? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little oldwoman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned herhusband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one daythe little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would notrecover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down theshoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of moneytotaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," shesaid, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was tonever argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quietand crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. only twoprecious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of livingand loving.
He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of thismoney? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
The Old New Supermarket Joke
There is a new supermarket near our house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk case, you hear cows mooing and sniff the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The vegie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
When you approach the milk case, you hear cows mooing and sniff the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The vegie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Things to Think About!
How important does a person have to be before they are consideredassassinated instead of just murdered?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're on TV?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to ahorrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, whydidn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made fromvegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're on TV?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to ahorrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, whydidn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made fromvegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A Riddle
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. on your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
Reasons to Smile
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Terrible Accident
John had a terrible accident which mangled his private parts, requiringthey be removed. His spirit was broken.
His doctor told him: "John, all is not lost. I can make you better thanbefore. It is possible for us to replace your lost member with a prosthetic.However, the procedure is considered cosmetic and would not be paid by yourinsurance.
The hope of regaining his manly prowess lifted John's heart to ask: "Howmuch would it cost?"
His doctor explained: "You can get the 4 inch model for $6,000.00 (John'sfrown quickly faded); or the 6 incher for $7,500.00 (John began to smile);or you may have the 9 inch version for $10,000.00." (John grinned as hiseyes widened with anticipation)
"But normally I insist that the decision be made only after you'veconsulted with your wife"
John happily agreed, and set off for home.
Upon his next return, the doctor asked for his decision. John hung his headsadly, replying: "She said for that kind of money, she'd rather remodel thekitchen."
His doctor told him: "John, all is not lost. I can make you better thanbefore. It is possible for us to replace your lost member with a prosthetic.However, the procedure is considered cosmetic and would not be paid by yourinsurance.
The hope of regaining his manly prowess lifted John's heart to ask: "Howmuch would it cost?"
His doctor explained: "You can get the 4 inch model for $6,000.00 (John'sfrown quickly faded); or the 6 incher for $7,500.00 (John began to smile);or you may have the 9 inch version for $10,000.00." (John grinned as hiseyes widened with anticipation)
"But normally I insist that the decision be made only after you'veconsulted with your wife"
John happily agreed, and set off for home.
Upon his next return, the doctor asked for his decision. John hung his headsadly, replying: "She said for that kind of money, she'd rather remodel thekitchen."
Rome
Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy going Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Theirplanes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they'realways late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River calledTeste."
"Don't go any further." I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to besomething special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel inthe city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's hysterical," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million otherpeople trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Good luck on thislousy trip of yours. You're going to need plenty of it."
A month later the woman visited the hairdresser again. The hairdresserasked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," exclaimed the woman, "not only were we on time in oneof Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked in economy so theybumped us up to first class. "The food and wine were wonderful, and I had ahandsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'djust finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finesthotel in the city.Would you believe that they were overbooked too,apologised and gave us the owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet youdidn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a SwissGuard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meetsome of the international visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step intohis private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough,five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! Iknelt down and kissed his hand and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get that **** hairdo?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Theirplanes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they'realways late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River calledTeste."
"Don't go any further." I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to besomething special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel inthe city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's hysterical," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million otherpeople trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Good luck on thislousy trip of yours. You're going to need plenty of it."
A month later the woman visited the hairdresser again. The hairdresserasked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," exclaimed the woman, "not only were we on time in oneof Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked in economy so theybumped us up to first class. "The food and wine were wonderful, and I had ahandsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'djust finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finesthotel in the city.Would you believe that they were overbooked too,apologised and gave us the owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet youdidn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a SwissGuard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meetsome of the international visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step intohis private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough,five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! Iknelt down and kissed his hand and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get that **** hairdo?"
Watch that Wall
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
Pearl in Butt
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
Idiot of 2006
Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Number Two Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. > He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. > Don't bother with this guy's sign.
He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Number Two Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. > He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. > Don't bother with this guy's sign.
He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
Two to a Room
These four friends went on vacation together. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
Letter
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.Your daughter, Judith.
P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.
But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.Your daughter, Judith.
P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.
Loose-fitting Clothing
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Three-Man Business Accountant
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Making an Order
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totalling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
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