Colonel: "Sir, a letter was just sent to us reporting a severe water shortage at Company Charlie!"
General: "Oh, they're probably just exaggerating."
Colonel: "I don't think so, sir. The stamp was held on with a paper clip!"
Thursday, February 8, 2007
The New Young Doctor
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could get to know him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with a widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."
"You've probably been doing too much volunteer work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably correct, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and saw the preacher hiding under the bed!"
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with a widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."
"You've probably been doing too much volunteer work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably correct, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and saw the preacher hiding under the bed!"
The Candies
There was a golf course that specialized in senior citizen caddies. After completing a round, the starter asked one golfer, "So, how did the caddie work out?" The man replied, "He was nice enough, but he couldn't see far enough to follow the ball." "I'm sorry," said the starter, "Come back next week and I'll be sure you get a caddie that can see far enough."
The next week the man showed up and the starter introduced him to his 80 year old caddie. "Are you sure he can see?" asked the man. "Absolutely," said the starter. So off they went to the first tee. The man hit his drive and said to the caddie, "Did you see that?" "I sure did," came the reply. They walked together down the fairway and the man said to the caddie, "Well, where did my ball go?" The caddie replied, "I forget!"
The next week the man showed up and the starter introduced him to his 80 year old caddie. "Are you sure he can see?" asked the man. "Absolutely," said the starter. So off they went to the first tee. The man hit his drive and said to the caddie, "Did you see that?" "I sure did," came the reply. They walked together down the fairway and the man said to the caddie, "Well, where did my ball go?" The caddie replied, "I forget!"
Bored Friends
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. A cat walks past.
"How about having sex with the cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted themurderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex withit again," said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it againand then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: "So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replies, "Meow."
"How about having sex with the cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted themurderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex withit again," said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it againand then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: "So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replies, "Meow."
Jump Frog Jump!!!!!
There was this "not too bright" scientist doing a study on how frogsrespond to commands.
He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his logbook, frog jumps 30 feet.
Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.
He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.
Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet.He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.
Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! The Frogdoesn't move an inch.
So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!
He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his logbook, frog jumps 30 feet.
Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.
He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.
Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet.He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.
Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! The Frogdoesn't move an inch.
So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!
The Good Napkins
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months....
It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!" Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?????????"
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months....
It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!" Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?????????"
Kids Classic
Kids are asked to write about the sea..
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
13 on holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was oing very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired ight up her fat * * *. (Jule age 7)
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
13 on holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was oing very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired ight up her fat * * *. (Jule age 7)
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