An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.
A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Friday, February 9, 2007
You're Sick
A man returns from an overseas trip feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo a barrage of tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. The phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've received the results from your tests. W've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is very contagious!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well... no, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. The phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've received the results from your tests. W've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is very contagious!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well... no, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."
Oh Dear !!
Oh Dear !!
I prefer to describe myself as a "ContemporaryAnthropological Interactive Observer" because it has justthe right amount of flair.
Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.
I prefer to describe myself as a "ContemporaryAnthropological Interactive Observer" because it has justthe right amount of flair.
Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.
a Dumb Lawyer
Note: A Newfie is a person from Newfoundland, and is used in a similar way to the Irish & Blonds.
A lawyer and a Newfie are sitting next to each other on a longflight. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the Newf's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet,agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Newf doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out afive-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Newfie's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up ahill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Newfie and hands him $500. The Newf pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Newfie up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The Newf reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
A lawyer and a Newfie are sitting next to each other on a longflight. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the Newf's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet,agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Newf doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out afive-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Newfie's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up ahill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Newfie and hands him $500. The Newf pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Newfie up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The Newf reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Professional Doctors
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
* * * * *
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
* * * * *
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
* * * * *
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
* * * * *
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
* * * * *
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
* * * * *
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
* * * * *
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
* * * * *
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
Professional Doctors
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
* * * * *
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
* * * * *
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
* * * * *
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
* * * * *
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
* * * * *
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
* * * * *
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
* * * * *
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
* * * * *
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
Famous Ninja Assasinations (in History)
1. The Dinosaurs – Scientists like to think their extinction was brought upon by a giant meteor colliding with the earth and kicking up enough debris to block out the sun and cause an ice age. HOW CONVENIENT. A giant meteor just happened to hit the earth. If you were to find every dinosaur bone on the planet and examine them closely, you would find they all had one thing in common. A perfect slice to the neck made by a small blade. There’s no convenience about it. It was hard work.
2. Pompeii – Historians want you to believe a volcano took out the island of Pompeii. Well what sounds more believable to you? That one stupid volcano melted an island, or that one badass ninja rained fiery arrows down on a city?
3. Julius Caesar – This guy wasn’t stabbed by 50 of his closest friends in 5 minutes. He was stabbed 50 times by one ninja in 2 minutes. Shakespeare wrote the fictional ending because he knew if he told the truth, he would soon be staring down the business end of a shuriken.
4. Leaning Tower of Pizza – Great Architectural wonder, my butt. A ninja was hired to kill this building and kicked it.
5. The Battle of Gettysburg – This was one of the most brutal battles in the Civil War with deaths from the North and the South numbering in the thousands. Well, the reality is that not one shot was fired by either side. Both armies gathered on either side of the battlefield, but there was one lone ninja in the center. Then some idiot yelled, “Hey doofus, get out of the way.” Well, the ninja went ape **** and started chopping until he could chop no more.
6. The Titanic – What makes more sense? A giant unsinkable ship broken in half by a giant piece of snow, or a giant unsinkable ship CUT in half by a lightning fast, razor sharp, sword wielded by a powerful ninja? Yeah, that whole iceberg theory is looking real dumb right now.
7. Bruce Lee – journalists want you to believe that he slipped in the tub after filming “Enter the Dragon.” Bruce Lee was a badass, and the only way to kill him was to hire a badder asser. His death had ninja written all over it. It is rumored the ninja was hired by Chuck Norris.
8. The Soviet Union – Ninjas don’t always kill with swords. Ronald Reagan hired a ninja in the 80s to stop the Cold War, and he did.
9. Unicorns – These single horned horses use to roam the Earth by the millions. Then the ninja council decided that these creatures were too gay looking and ordered them exterminated. It is rumored that the first pair of numchaku was built from two unicorn horns.
10. Adolph Hitler – Historians want you to believe he died of a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head. But what about the 50 shurikens found embedded in his back? Why 50? one for each star on the American Flag. The A-bomb wasn’t the only secret weapon the U.S. unleashed in WW2.
2. Pompeii – Historians want you to believe a volcano took out the island of Pompeii. Well what sounds more believable to you? That one stupid volcano melted an island, or that one badass ninja rained fiery arrows down on a city?
3. Julius Caesar – This guy wasn’t stabbed by 50 of his closest friends in 5 minutes. He was stabbed 50 times by one ninja in 2 minutes. Shakespeare wrote the fictional ending because he knew if he told the truth, he would soon be staring down the business end of a shuriken.
4. Leaning Tower of Pizza – Great Architectural wonder, my butt. A ninja was hired to kill this building and kicked it.
5. The Battle of Gettysburg – This was one of the most brutal battles in the Civil War with deaths from the North and the South numbering in the thousands. Well, the reality is that not one shot was fired by either side. Both armies gathered on either side of the battlefield, but there was one lone ninja in the center. Then some idiot yelled, “Hey doofus, get out of the way.” Well, the ninja went ape **** and started chopping until he could chop no more.
6. The Titanic – What makes more sense? A giant unsinkable ship broken in half by a giant piece of snow, or a giant unsinkable ship CUT in half by a lightning fast, razor sharp, sword wielded by a powerful ninja? Yeah, that whole iceberg theory is looking real dumb right now.
7. Bruce Lee – journalists want you to believe that he slipped in the tub after filming “Enter the Dragon.” Bruce Lee was a badass, and the only way to kill him was to hire a badder asser. His death had ninja written all over it. It is rumored the ninja was hired by Chuck Norris.
8. The Soviet Union – Ninjas don’t always kill with swords. Ronald Reagan hired a ninja in the 80s to stop the Cold War, and he did.
9. Unicorns – These single horned horses use to roam the Earth by the millions. Then the ninja council decided that these creatures were too gay looking and ordered them exterminated. It is rumored that the first pair of numchaku was built from two unicorn horns.
10. Adolph Hitler – Historians want you to believe he died of a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head. But what about the 50 shurikens found embedded in his back? Why 50? one for each star on the American Flag. The A-bomb wasn’t the only secret weapon the U.S. unleashed in WW2.
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